


Always and Completely

by ThereIsASong



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Post Darillium, Post-Library River Song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28464120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereIsASong/pseuds/ThereIsASong
Summary: A misunderstanding and tough conversation helps the Doctor and River reaffirm their bond.“You had it in your pocket?” River said in surprise. “Earlier when I couldn’t find it, I just thought you must have gotten rid of it.”“I would never get rid of this!” The Doctor responded cheerfully. “I had it in my study for a while, but when I regenerated my wedding band was too big.”River looked up to meet the Doctor’s gaze. She had thought it impossible to love this ridiculous woman even more than she already did, but she felt her hearts swell with even more affection.“I wanted something with me always, so I could feel you with me.” The Doctor continued. She ducked her head, blushing and wrinkled her nose, looking up at her wife through her lashes.“It’s kind of silly, I know.”River shook her head, blinking tears out of her eyes.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 28
Kudos: 119





	1. Watch Out That Bowtie

**Author's Note:**

> I have been writing and re-writing this story for months, I'm excited to share it with you!

The Doctor laid on her back under the console, reconnecting a wire she had mistakenly cut about a half an hour ago. She sighed, wishing that she hadn’t thrown the TARDIS manual into a black hole all of those years ago. Still, she thought she finally understood the problem.

A TARDIS warning light had come on, last night after her and River had hastily flown her into the time vortex, escaping some very offended and frankly rude Sontarans. The Doctor had spent the whole morning trying to locate the problem, but had so far just managed to turn the pool water purple and temporarily – she hoped – delete the kitchen.

River usually didn’t last long during TARDIS repairs, taking the opportunity to get some alone time and visit the TARDIS pool, or catch up on some reading in her study. The Doctor could spend hours, days if she was left to her own devices, completely absorbed in her tinkering. They hadn't stopped running for long in the six months or so since River had come back, and it was a nice change of pace. 

The Doctor felt a slight twinge in her lower back and slid out from beneath the console. She wondered where River was, she had used to always come interrupt the Doctor’s obsessive repairs long before the aches and pains set in.

The Doctor slid off her gloves and pulled the goggles off her head, setting them on the console. She told herself that she should check to see if River was hungry, since it had been a while and she had to eat much more often than the Doctor. It certainly wasn’t just that she was just starting to miss her wife and wanted to check in.

The Doctor walked into the hallway toward River’s study, smiling at the thought of her wife pouring over a book, her hair tied on her head in a messy bun and her adorable mouth chewing the tip of her pen in concentration.

She found the door to the study ajar, and quietly swung it open. She frowned when an empty room greeted her.

The Doctor looked in the pool, then the observatory, and even checked the movie theater.

Finally, she found herself heading back towards their room, starting to wonder what River could possibly be doing. River didn’t make a habit of sleeping alone, and she really wasn’t sure what other sort of thing she could be entertaining herself with.

When she reached their room, she found their bed empty, but their closet door ajar and a light coming from within.

“River!” The Doctor called curiously, walking toward the source of the light. “Are you in there?”

She heard no response, so opened the closet door and walked inside. The closet, like the rest of the TARDIS, was bigger on the inside, or at least it could be. Normally it was a spacious walk-in closet that made room for the Doctor’s basic wardrobe and River’s more extensive clothing selections.

But if they wanted something less-often used, the TARDIS closet went on for what seemed like forever. In fact, the Doctor thought, as she looked around at the rows of clothes and stacks of boxes that were on display in front of her, she didn’t think she’d ever seen the end of it.

The Doctor sighed and focused on finding her wife. She didn’t like walking through here. Sure, it was fun to revisit her old favorite outfits from past bodies, but the closet was also full of what old friends had left behind. She could never bear to get rid of the pieces of her friends that remained, but she didn’t enjoy the reminders of the missing pieces of her heart either.

The Doctor was just about to give up and head back, hoping that River wasn’t in the kitchen when it was deleted, when she rounded a corner and saw her wife, kneeling in front of a battered wooden box.

River clearly hadn’t come in here to pick something to wear, she was dressed in jeans and a plain black t-shirt, her hair loose and unstyled around her shoulders.

“River?” The Doctor said, and River jumped slightly at the sound before turning to see the Doctor and giving her a smile.

She walked toward her wife, letting her hand fall over River’s soft hair, relieved to have someone warm and alive with her in this room full of memories.

“Hello Sweetie.” River purred, leaning her head against the Doctor’s hip and looking up to meet her eye. “Done with the repairs already?”

“Erm, no, not exactly.” The Doctor admitted, crinkling her nose. “I’m still not sure what’s wrong. But my back started bothering me so I thought I’d take a break. What are you doing in here?”

River sighed, her focus returning to her work as she slid the box back in it’s place and stood up, facing the Doctor.

“I was just looking for something, but it doesn’t seem to be here.” She spoke flippantly, but the Doctor saw a ghost of sadness past through her eyes, just for a second.

“It doesn’t matter, though.” River said, looking like herself again, “Let’s get out of here, I know you don’t like this place much.”

The Doctor reached out and took River’s hand, slipping her wife’s fingers between her own.

“I don’t really, no.” She said, looking around. “But whatever you’re looking for seems important to you, can I help?”

“No, it’s really alright Sweetie,” River responded. “Although, you might be interested in what I was just looking at.” Her eyes sparkled mischievously at the idea as she bent down to pull out the wooden box.

“Your old bow ties.” River opened the box, reaching in and pulling out a silk marron bowtie covered with white dots. She stood, wrapping the tie around the Doctor’s neck. The Doctor laughed as River began to tie it, gently smoothing it under her hand as she looked into the Doctor’s eyes with a hint of nostalgia.

“What do you think, still me?” The Doctor took a step back, allowing River to take in the full effect of the bow-tie, topping off the Doctor’s oversized white linen button-up shirt and plain black slacks she wore for TARDIS repairs.

River allowed her eyes to drag over her wife slowly, taking in her relaxed, confident stance, the way the thin shirt clung to her curves, and her slacks hugged her hips just a little too tight.

She stepped toward the Doctor suddenly, threading her fingers through her wife's hair and kissing her hard as her other hand pulled her closer by her waist. The Doctor gasped in surprise, and River took the opportunity to sink her tongue into her wife's mouth.

The Doctor’s gasp turned into a moan at the sudden feeling of River all around her, her hips and breasts pressed against her own in the most delicious ways. The Doctor still hadn’t quite figured out how to hold onto the strand of her own thoughts when River touched her like this.

The Doctor walked River backwards into the nearest wall, pressing her hard against it in effort to be closer. She kissed her wife back passionately, slipping her hand up River’s shirt to feel the soft skin of her stomach beneath her palms.

River groaned deep in her throat and pulled the Doctor’s head back by her hair, kissing and sucking down her neck as she hitched her thigh over the Doctor’s. The Doctor's skin tasted like salt and grease and time and _her_. 

The Doctor let her head fall back to allow River better access and her hand grabbed River’s thigh, pulling it tighter around her waist and running her hand along the seam of her jeans. River’s breathy moan against the Doctor’s neck left goosebumps on her skin and sparked a heat low in her belly.

The Doctor, who was much stronger than she looked, suddenly scooped her hand under River’s other thigh, pushing her up and against the wall. River squeaked in surprise and wrapped her legs tighter around the Doctor.

River relaxed her head against the wall, fingers lightly stroking the back of the Doctor’s neck. Her eyes dropped to the bow tie and she smoothed it fondly, the silk cool beneath her fingers.

The Doctor’s hands suddenly stilled, and River looked up to see her wife watching her face with a quizzical expression.

“What is it Doctor?” River asked, slightly breathless.

The Doctor, who tended to say whatever was on her mind, regardless of the situation she found herself in (a trait that River both adored and sometimes found frustrating in situations such as these), spoke her mind.

“Do you miss my old body River? The one who wore this bow tie?” The Doctor’s voice was curious, but River saw a flash of concern.

“No Sweetie" River smiled reassuringly. "You know it doesn’t matter to me what body you’re in.” River pulled the Doctor into another kiss, but the Doctor responded to it in a half-hearted way that let River know she was still distracted.

“What is it Doctor?” River said, concerned and slightly annoyed, trying to read her wife’s face.

“It’s just, you seem very smitten with the bow-tie. You put it on me and then practically jumped me.” The Doctor laughed, “Not that I’m complaining.” She gave River’s bum a slight squeeze.

“It’s just, you know, you never did tell me what you were looking for.” Her smile dropped and she looked at River concerned.

“Was it these? Do you come to visit my old bow ties for the same reason I keep these mementos of my friends?” She gestured around to the boxes and racks surrounding them. “Because you miss it? My old body?”

River sighed, reluctantly unwrapping her legs from the Doctor’s waist and letting them drop to the floor. As much as she wanted to continue these more pleasurable activities, she knew the Doctor was in need of this conversation.

The Doctor took a step back, interpreting River’s retreat as a confirmation.

“That’s it then.” She said sadly. “You wish I still had my old body?” A look of hurt flashed across the Doctor’s face before it was forced smoothed. Her tone became solemn and business-like.

“I’m sorry River, I just assumed that because you were part Time Lord you could handle the body changes more easily.” River could see the Doctor’s defenses coming up, like she was speaking to a human.

“It’s still me, you know, but I understand if that’s…”

“Doctor.” River lifted her hand to the Doctor’s chest to stop her. The Doctor took another step back, obviously hurting.

“Doctor, it’s not that, yes I _was_ looking for your bow ties, but…”

The Doctor’s eyes flashed with something River had never seen before, a mix of anger, disgust, betrayal and profound grief.

As soon as her façade began to crumble she was turning on her heels, walking quickly away. River followed after her, an anger rising within.

How could her wife ever believe she would love her any less because of a little things like regeneration? How dare she speak to her this way, like she didn’t understand, like she hadn’t loved her in every body that had come before?

“Doctor, _listen_ to me!” River shouted as she ran after her, trying to establish a mental connection so she could make the Doctor feel what she was trying to say. But the Doctor’s mental walls were up as much as her physical ones.

“River, please!” The Doctor stopped in her tracks when she reached their bedroom, taking deliberate breaths to try and steady herself. “ _Please_.” She managed shakily, “Just give me a minute to myself.”

River stilled, stunned by the whiplash of emotions from the last few minutes. The Doctor silently pulled off her bow tie, threw it onto the bed and left their room, closing the door securely behind her.


	2. You are Loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok friends, I decided to go a different way with this story. I originally had a third chapter that was just a bunch of smut, but it just didn't have the same feel as these first few chapters.
> 
> I've changed a few details in the first chapter so I can move this down to a T rating. Maybe I can repurpose the trashed last chapter for a different time. :) 
> 
> Note: I was heartbroken years ago when 12 regenerated and the wedding ring fell off. So this is a kind of a fix-it for younger me. 
> 
> Enjoy!

River knew the Doctor better than she knew herself, and she didn’t question that her wife needed space to cool off.

She knew what the Doctor had been through in her long lifetime. She knew how many people her wife had lost, and worse, how many people had chose to leave the Doctor. River knew how it broke her hearts every time. 

The Doctor’s recent experience of betrayal by her oldest friend and her entire home species compounded these experiences. Of course she would over-react to any sign of rejection, any possibility of River not wanting her exactly the way she was.

Even so, River could help but feel defensive. She had done nothing wrong, and after all they had been through, didn’t she deserve the benefit of the doubt from the person who was supposed to know her best?

Her mind kept drifting back to hurt in her wife’s eyes.

River was a very independent person, but there were times like these where she wished she could talk to one of the few close friends she had made in her lifetime.

River pulled her current diary from the overstuffed bookcase and sat cross-legged at the head of the bed. She noticed the bowtie that the Doctor had discarded as she stormed out.

River quickly grabbed the cloth, balling it angrily and shoving it into her bedside table drawer. There was no need for the Doctor to see it later and get all worked up again.

River opened to a clean page in her diary and began her entry the way she always did when she wished she had someone there to give her advice.

“Dear Amy,”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some time later, the door creaked open and the Doctor quietly slipped in. She appeared much calmer, but her face was still guarded.

“Writing in your Diary.” The Doctor said sheepishly. “Did I mess up that badly then?”

River closed the book gently and set it on her bedside table, give the Doctor a small but reassuring smile.

“Not so badly it can’t be fixed.” River said, patting the bed in invitation.

The Doctor sat on the edge the bed, seemingly very focused on fiddling with a lose thread on the quilt.

“River… I’m sorry I reacted like that. It’s perfectly normal for you to have an emotional reaction to waking up to find that your husband is, well, your wife, and has lived for hundreds of years without you.”

“I know I’ve changed, not just physically but emotionally. I’ve done things and lost more, and I had to do it without you. It changed me. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance to process all of that.”

River didn’t know what to say, as she sat in silence looking at her wife’s beautiful face. How could she not see that River still saw the same person she married hundreds of years ago on that pyramid? How could she make her understand?

“Thank you Doctor, that was very well put.” River said calmly, “Now can you please listen to what I have to say?”

The Doctor nodded, bringing her eyes up to meet her wife’s. River was relieved to see the vulnerability in them. Maybe the Doctor hadn’t shut herself off too much after all.

“I hate that you lived so much without me, Doctor. But not because of what I missed.” She paused, considering her next words carefully.

“I can’t imagine anything worse than having to live without you in this universe for even a second, let alone hundreds of years. If you love me even half as much as I love you -” The Doctor’s mouth opened to reassure her wife but River continued to speak.

“- and I believe you do,” She continued, leaning forward to place her hand over the Doctor’s. “Then I imagine it was absolute torture. I’m sorry you had to do so much alone. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you.”

River’s eyes brimmed with tears, and she took a deep breathe to steady herself. The Doctor, to her credit, stayed uncharacteristically silent, giving River the time she needed to finish her thoughts.

“Your body is important to me because it allows you to move around in this universe with me. It gives you the means to speak your mind and it allows me to show you much I love you.” River gently flipped the Doctor’s hand, threading her fingers through her wife’s slightly calloused ones.

“As long as it can do that, I don’t care what it looks like.” River smiled mischievously. “Although I really have gotten extraordinarily lucky with all of your bodies, Sweetie.”

River was relieved to see the Doctor smile back at her. She pushed herself to her knees and moved closer to the Doctor, who meet her halfway. She kneeled in front of the sitting Doctor, putting her hands gently on either side of the Doctor’s face.

“You forget that I _know you_ and that no matter what body you’re in, I can see you. I’m more time lady than you give me credit for.”

The Doctor’s mind was suddenly flooded with River’s memories of her, snippets spanning hundreds of years of marriage. River showed the Doctor how she saw her, how she experienced her presence.

In these memories the Doctor wore many different faces, but the Doctor could see how River saw her, and how what mattered to River never changed.

The Doctor closed her eyes, lost in her wife’s memories. When River gently pulled back, she opened them to find River starting at her thoughtfully. The Doctor looked back at her, rendered speechless by the unconditional love and understanding River had just shown her.

River seemed to sense that the Doctor was satisfied and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“As for what I was looking for today,” She smiled brightly. “I was thinking about our wedding day, and I wanted to see if I could find the bowtie we used for the handfasting. I used to sometimes enjoy feeling the cloth, it always took me right back to that pyramid.”

The Doctor took River’s hand in her own and squeezed it. She was embarrassed that she had ever doubted her wife. 

“You wearing that bowtie reminded me of our wedding day.” River continued. “It was so long ago for you, you probably don’t even remember.”

“Of course I remember.” The Doctor interjected, lightly kissing River’s knuckles before holding them in her lap. “You made me face what I hadn’t wanted to face in a long time, that I could be really, truly, fully loved, and that maybe I could even love in return.”

“But River,” The Doctor continued. “I was in an awful mood that day. I basically ordered you to marry me, and poor Rory had no idea what was going on. You deserved a far better wedding than that.”

River chuckled at the memory of her earnest father trying to wrap his head around the situation.

“The actual ceremony was a bit lacking, I’ll admit.” River laughed. “The moment right before the wedding though, is the moment I like to remember.”

The Doctor looked at River with wide eyes, she wanted nothing more than to hear River tell the story of their wedding day.

“You had a choice, Doctor.” River said. “You could have easily placated me and told me ‘thank you very much’ for the display, but that you were ready to die. I would have let you. All I wanted to show you was how much you were loved, and I had done that.”

“But you didn’t, Sweetie. You chose to take the risk, to tell me that you weren’t really dying. Not only did that mean putting your life in my hands but bringing me along with you into a life where you would have nothing from the past, not even your best friends. You were committing to me as a part of your future, and the wedding was just your romantic symbol of that decision.”

“I remember.” The Doctor said with a quiet laugh. “I was terrified. But you were so worth it.” The Doctor leaned her forehead against River’s.

“I’m sorry I doubted you.” She whispered. “The way you love me… I don’t deserve it.”

The Doctor wished there was something she could do to that would even come close to paying River back for the way her wife loved her. She suddenly sprang from the bed, remembering one problem she could solve for her wife.

“Wait right there.” The Doctor said with a wide smile, and ran from the room.

River sat there, stunned. She had thought the conversation was going quite well. What in hell had happened now?

Before River could process this turn of events, the Doctor came running back into the room holding her long grey coat over her arm. She jumped back onto the bed and stuck her hand into a pocket, tongue between her teeth as she concentrated on digging around.

“Darn these bigger-on-the-inside pockets.” She muttered. “They’re terribly convenient for long journeys but absolutely rubbish when you need something right away.”

Finally the Doctor’s fingers settled on what she was looking for, and she flung the jacket onto the floor.

The Doctor held out her hand and offered her wife a worn, frayed piece of cloth. River’s eyes opened in shock as she reached out to touch the end of the strip, her breath catching. It was threadbare and faded, but there was no doubt in River's mind that the piece of rough fabric was the same one that she had wrapped around her hand so many years ago. 

“You had it in your pocket?” River said in surprise. “Earlier when I couldn’t find it, I just thought you must have gotten rid of it.”

“I would _never_ get rid of this!” The Doctor responded cheerfully. “I had it in my study for a while, but when I regenerated my wedding band was too big.”

River looked up to meet the Doctor’s gaze. She had thought it impossible to love this ridiculous woman even more than she already did, but she felt her hearts swell with even more affection.

“I wanted something with me always, so I could feel you with me.” The Doctor continued. She ducked her head, blushing and wrinkled her nose, looking up at her wife through her lashes.

“It’s kind of silly, I know.”

River shook her head, blinking tears out of her eyes.

“It’s not silly, my love,” She smiled. She took the cloth from the Doctor and unfurled it, gently wrapping it around her hand. She offered the other end to the Doctor.

“Do as you are told.” River whispered. The Doctor’s face lit with a smile as she wrapped the cloth around her hand, holding it just inches in front of River’s. Their eyes met, and their faces hovered close enough that they shared the same warm breath.

“You may kiss the bride.” River whispered into the Doctor’s lips.

“I’ll make it a good one.” The Doctor responded.

“You’d better.” River breathed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and a HUGE THANK YOU to those who comment.
> 
> Honestly my second favorite part of this (after the writing) is reading comments. I don't share this stuff with anyone in my personal life, so comments are the only feedback I ever get. It absolutely makes my day to know that anyone is reading or better yet enjoying this stuff.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading. Please drop a note, I'm nervous to share this one!


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